Content warning: This post contains mention of sexual assault. Please take care while reading.
I'm a Heartbreak Coach, so as you can imagine, I've heard a lottttt of broken heart stories, and this one is one of the most fucked up ones EVER. Names have been changed, but the details are painfully, horribly accurate.
"He broke my heart, and when he saw me thriving, he tried to break me again"
Jen and Matthew met at a work conference in Las Vegas. Here they were at what Jen calls "adulting camp" literally meeting eyes across a crowded room before finally saying hello to each other at dinner the evening of the first day, and proceeding to spend pretty much all of their free time together the rest of the week.
The chemistry was intense and obvious immediately, and it was like nothing Jen had ever experienced before.
Note: Skip the next paragraph if you want to keep it PG-13.
🍆 Matthew was HUNG. Like a horse. Like a porn star. He could make her moan, scream, and beg for mercy. Sex with Matthew was the most mesmerizing blend of deep eye contact, loving touch, intense attunement to her body, and the hair-pulling-take-me-now-masculine-sexual-energy of romance novels. He was so well-endowed that Jen was able to have her first cervical orgasm with him. These are oceanic, deep, rolling orgasms quite unlike a clitoral orgasm. There is somehow more emotion involved...a deeper, soul-level experience.
Another note: Are cervical orgasms part of your repertoire? If not, is it something you want to explore? My mentor Layla Martin has several free YouTube videos on cervical orgasms. Take a peek and then have a peak. LOL. See what I did there? ;)
When your BODY is so completely online, as Jen's was with Matthew, the relationship imprints on a DEEP level. We're talking a nervous-system-level, cellular-level, soul-level feeling of connection. And later, if that relationship ends, the imprint remains and the loss feels like a physical craving, a starvation caused by the sudden decrease in the actual chemicals pouring into your system when you were in that deep connection. Dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin. They literally DUMP into your bloodstream when you're in love and having amazing sex...and the withdrawal is a huge part of why a broken heart can affect you in such a physical way.
They traveled to see each other a couple times a month, usually meeting up in some destination or another, in the US and abroad, and what started out as a fling ended up lasting two years. Jen didn’t mean to catch feelings, but ended up falling in love. Matthew said he loved her too, and she believed him. The two of them became exclusive early on, and Matthew was a “perfect” boyfriend: sexy, confident, smart, a good communicator, and loving.
The break-up was totally unexpected. It was sudden, and it hit Jen like a ton of bricks. She had no idea WHY Matthew broke up with her...or why he decided to dump her mid-vacation. I mean who the fuck does that?? They had three more days together in Mexico, with only one hotel room. It was--lame and fucked up and just absolutely shocked and shook Jen to her core.
Fast forward past the annoying logistics of ending a vacation early, and Jen remained in a state of utter confusion and shock for quite some time. The break up itself was painful, but even more excruciating was how much Matthew changed. Suddenly the perfect boyfriend turned into a cold robot—super formal and frankly just...weird. Jen started questioning everything (herself included). She couldn’t figure out which persona was the real Matthew. Had the entire relationship been an act? Or had he managed to put up a wall after the break-up?
Jen spent the better part of a year bouncing between the familiar feelings of heartbreak. Denial, anger, depression, acceptance, betrayal, confusion, gratitude. She was up, down, and all over the damn place.
About a year and a half after the breakup, Jen found herself once again at a conference that Matthew was at. They were cordial to each other during the event, and even shared a few laughs at an after-hours dinner-and-a-show thing put on by one of the company's biggest vendors. At this point in her healing, Jen felt really strong. She had started dating an amazing guy, she knew she looked gorgeous and radiant, and she had gotten her confidence back after the traumatic breakup.
Through the 5-days of the conference, Jen sensed that Matthew could see that she was thriving without him. She caught him looking at her several times and her intuition told her "he seems somehow threatened by me being ok--in fact more than ok". It was really fascinating, and despite herself, she felt like she was "winning". Like the power dynamic of the breakup had somehow shifted and she had regained her power.
On the last night, they had had one too many cocktails, and Matthew followed Jen back to her room, where he sexually assaulted her.
I'm not going to describe the details of the SA, but I do want to point out that Jen's intuition about the power dynamic shifting was almost certainly at the root of Matthew's action. As too many of us know (#metoo), sexual assault is often not about sexuality at all; rather it's about power.
The assault--obviously--shook Jen to her core. All the healing she had done, all the progress, the work, it all felt like it was for nothing. She felt so broken, so back to square one (or worse), so confused, and so fucking MAD. How could he do this? She felt like he'd already "won" by hurting her so badly with the unexplained and unexpected dumping.
In her lowest moments, she even managed to turn this around to HER FAULT. How could she have ever trusted this man? Why did she "let" him come back to her room? How did she not see him for the monster that he is when they were together? Was she a total fucking idiot? Had she just been blind and "dick dumb"?
My friend, I'm going to pause here and invite you to also pause. Go take care of yourself in a way that feels really safe, really loving. If you are feeling feelings, let that happen, but then do something uplifting.
Talk to a friend.
Dance to a song that uplifts you (may I recommend "Dog Days are Over" by Florence and the Machine?)
Take a long shower or bath.
Go get yourself in nature for a moment.
Next week, I'll share Part 2 of this story. Here's a spoiler alert: JEN RECLAIMED HER POWER AND THEN SOME. SHE IS THRIVING LIKE A MOFO THESE DAYS, FEELING RADIANT, CONFIDENT, AND LOVING HERSELF THE MOST.
To be continued...
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