Just like negative events, traumas, and challenging life experiences can lodge themselves in our physical bodies, so can loving and intensely joyful experiences. So can pleasure. So can orgasm. So can the feeling of connection, the oxytocin that we create when we have closeness with someone we love. The dopamine, when our love is reciprocated. The serotonin, endorphins and all of the other , yummy brain chemicals that love, sexuality and pleasure create in our bodies.
All of this can imprint in us in a major way, WHICH CAN BECOME A PROBLEM if those imprints are tied to an ex sexual partner. I'm here to tell you that you can re-wire and disentangle from it. Read on, love.
And, if you're ready to take the delightful step into 1:1 coaching, to share your story and get some individualized advice, please get on my calendar. I offer a free, no pressure intro session. You can do that right here: Free 30 Min Zoom
Oof.
And yeah, I know I start a lot of sentences that way.
But seriously, oof. This thing. The thing of thinking of your ex every time you're getting down with a new partner, or even when you're self-pleasuring. You're feeling so good, getting juicier and juicier, really present and in the moment...
And then BAM, like dark and shitty magic, his face appears in your mind's eye to hijack your pleasure.
Snap. There he is, smiling wickedly down at you.
Snap. The eye contact as he lowers his face to yours.
Snap. Other, even more intimate moments you shared.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, all the highlight reels that lodge in our brains, in our nervous systems, even in our clits (yes, this is a thing).
So yeah. You're not alone if you think about your ex when it's sexy time. It's "normal", it's natural. It's natural to feel guilty when you think about someone else when you're with your a current partner, to blame yourself and ask "what the f is wrong with me".
The good news is that you can evict him from unsolicitedly entering your fantasy reels. The even better news is that it's actually super fun to do, and I'm going to tell you how.
First, here's a story about Ashley (a made up name, but a real story I posted to Instagram a while back):
OK, HERE'S THE FUN PART: HOW TO GET YOUR PLEASURE, YOUR ORGASM, AND YOUR SEXUAL SOVEREIGNTY BACK. TRY ONE, TWO, OR ALL OF THESE PRACTICES AND LET ME KNOW HOW THEY LAND!
1. Schedule 10 mins every day on a "5 Senses Reality" practice.
Here's how: Put this in your calendar so it happens. Lay down and set a timer for 10 minutes. Close your eyes and start imagining what you’d like your self-pleasure or partnered sexual experiences to be like. Allow yourself to imagine how each of your 5 senses will experience this. What will you see? Hear? Feel? Smell? Taste? Our brains don't always know the difference between a lived experience and a viscerally imagined one, so doing this practice will help you create neural pathways that support your body and nervous system in believing the reality you are imagining can (and will) happen.
2. Schedule 10 mins every day doing a "Body Scan"
Here's how: Put this in your calendar so it happens. Lay down and set a timer for 10 minutes. Turn your awareness to your physical sensations arising in your body. Perhaps one day you start with your toes and move up your body, and perhaps the next day you start at your head and move down, etc. As you bring awareness into each part of your body, speak out loud any sensations you feel. For example: “my right foot feels warm. I’m aware of tightness in my throat”, etc. With this practice, you will be forming a link between your cortical mind and your physical body, increasing your sensational presence (an insanely important factor in disentangling you from fantasy), and bringing balance to the left and right hemispheres of your brain.
3. Download my "Full Body Heartbreak Release" eBook (it's freeeee).
This book describes practices to release heartbreak systematically from each chakra in the 7-chakra system. You can get it instantly right here:
I hope this serves you in all the ways.
You got this. I'm cheering for you.
XOXO
Kyle
Comments